I love my children with my whole heart and soul, but I have come to realize that loving them so much has brought me more heartache than I could have ever imagined. I was just sitting down to have lunch and it hit me that Carter starts kindergarten a week from today and I felt true pain in my heart. The tears started to flow. That was 30 minutes ago and I can’t stop crying.
I think back to when I found out I was pregnant with Carter. I received a call from my doctor’s office and the nurse basically told me that based on my latest test results I probably would not be able to conceive. Mark and I were completely devastated.
I had not been feeling well for several days and I decided to take a pregnancy test (I thought it was just wishful thinking). The test came back positive and I took two more test (same day). All were positive. If you do the math, I was pregnant when the doctor’s office had called to break the bad news. It’s safe to say that when I showed up for my first prenatal appointment a week after “the call” I was treated like royalty.
My “final” doctor’s appointment was on Tuesday March 25, 2005 at 4:00pm. My blood pressure was up and the doctor decided we needed to schedule an induction. I was two weeks away from my due date, so I thought that “schedule” meant the end of the week. The doctor came back into the room and sent me directly to the hospital to have prostaglandin gel applied. We went home for the night and had to be back at the hospital at 5:00am. To make a long story short, at 1:10pm Wednesday March 26, 2005 I gave birth to an 8lb 6oz baby boy.
All of this seems just like yesterday and I have cherished everyday that we have been blessed with spending together. It was not my life long desire to be a stay at home mom, but it was the best decision I ever made. I was there for every tear, smile, step, fall, and word. I was blessed by them all, but now I wish I had cherished them more.
A chapter in Carter’s life is closing and it is so hard to let go. His preschool years are over and I can not get them back. If I knew then what I know now, I would have paid more attention, documented more events and been much more “in the moment”. My house cleaning and laundry could have waited another day.
A Note To Carter…
Dearest Carter,
A new chapter is about to begin for you. A new adventure is waiting for you and many new possibilities. Try to find the joy and wonder in all things and share your laughter with everyone. My prayer for you is to always remember our love for you and especially God’s love for you. May God give you safety and continue to build his hedge of protection around you. I love you with all my heart baby boy. Have a great time at school!
Love,
Mommy
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