Is It Time To Eat?

Well, I have started a new diet today and to be honest…I’m starving to death. I am beginning to believe the lack of food is affecting my brain because I am having visions of dancing bread. I’d give my next pay check (if I actually got one) for a cracker. I keep telling myself that I need to get my mind on something else. I even went as far as calling my mom and telling her about my carbohydrate fantasies hoping she would step in like an AA sponsor and lead me down the right path. Needless to say, mom came through. Hang on…I’ll explain.

I am very well aware of “Thou shall not covet”, but we all know we are guilty of it on occasion. Having said that, let me take you back a few years around six to be exact. I worked with a girl that was the picture of perfect. For story purposes lets’ call her “Courtney“. She was beautiful, thin, had a great career, and super wealthy. The career and wealth did not nearly impress me as much as the thin and beautiful part. She was the kind of person that seems to “look down” on those that were less than physically perfect. I can even remember my excitement when I found out she was pregnant. I felt surely she would get a stretch mark or something!

The most memorable conversation I ever had with “Courtney” was when she was about 8 ½ months pregnant. We were sitting in a conference room with another female coworker when “Courtney” began to talk about feeling miserable. My ears perked up because I thought she would start to complain of swelling, heartburn or something, but no. She began to complain about how her thong underwear was getting to tight and if she did not have that baby soon she was going to have to resort to buying a bigger size. Now, I am not even going there about the thong thing. That is a whole other blog all together. What got me was that she was about to drop a baby and was still wearing the same size underwear!

How does this help my problem you might ask? Well, my mom called me earlier today to tell me that she saw a recent picture of “Courtney” and guess what she looks like she has gained about sixty pounds! Lord forgive me for my excitement. I know it is wrong of me to feel better, but somehow having this information made my starvation seem manageable.

Who’s up for a salad?

Maintenance

I am a firm believer that everyone at some point in their life needs a little maintenance. What do I mean by maintenance? Little things like coloring your hair or just wearing a little makeup. The best advice I have ever heard about maintenance was from my pastor. His advice was in regards to women wearing makeup, he said “If the barn needs to be painted, by all means paint the barn.” Excellent advice!

Some people require more maintenance than others. We call these people “high maintenance”. Don’t laugh because I too am “high” maintenance. We require a little bit more than makeup and hair color. We get manicures, pedicures; eyebrow waxing, spray tans, massages and some of us have even had our eyebrows tinted! I think those of us who are “HM” simply can not help ourselves. It is in our genes! Heaven knows it is in my blood! My mom has started Kate very early; she took Kate to have her nails and toes done for her third birthday. Kate loved it! (I love you, mom!)

I have said all of this to ask a simple question. Is there anything wrong with being “high maintenance”? Is it not better than any maintenance at all? In my opinion, people need a little more paint, wax or polish whichever it might be. What do you think? Should we remodel the barn or what?

R.S.V.Peeved (Thoughts on Southern Etiquette)

The term R.S.V.P. comes from the French expression “répondez, s'il vous plaît“, meaning, “please respond”. Southern translation, call me and let me know if you are coming or not! Now that we have that covered, I have only one question. Why don’t people do it? I am not saying that I have not ever forgotten to respond, but I do 98% of the time.

This leads me to my first question. Why? Why do people not R.S.V.P.? I have given this a little bit of thought and I have come up with a theory. People “assume”. People just think that you know whether they are going to come to the event. You know I am right. How many times have you done the same thing? Let’s say for example, your best friend sends you an invitation to her husband’s 40th birthday party. Should you “assume” that she knows you will be there? NO! Would you anyway? YES!

So what does this mean? Well, if you do not respond to your best friend’s invitation, she might call you to see if you are coming. What if she were not your best friend? She might think you are not coming because you do not like her, you have something better to do or she may think you did not get the invitation and that opens up a whole other assortment of problems.

This can also cause awkward social situations. What if I am at the mall and I run into someone that did not show up to a party I had a few days before? What am I suppose to say? I know what I would really want to say. “So, where were you Saturday night?” “Did you have something better to do”? What if the situation were reversed? What would you say? “Sorry I could not make it to the party, I had myself admitted to Westcott (if you’re not from around here, it’s the local looney bin) a few days before the invitation came and I just got out yesterday.”

At first glance, the dilemma of the R.S.V.P. seems simple, just do it. However, if you happen to forget, remember always be prepared to grovel or have a good excuse tucked away somewhere safe. You NEVER know when you will need one.

This message is dedicated to the refrigerator full of hotdogs and unopened dip from Kate’s birthday party this weekend.

Hostess With The Mostess

This has been the craziest week ever! For me, the majority of the week has been spent in the car. In reality, I should have been at home…CLEANING! Kate’s birthday is this weekend and we are having a party at our house. In less than 48 hours, twenty five people, all of which are family members will descend upon my house. Anxiety is running high!

Yes, the “party at home” was my idea, but this is my normal ritual before any event that I plan. I have at least two days of “party planners’ remorse”. Anytime I have people over I have to strategically clean my house. This involves the things that normally fall under the spring cleaning category.

I think the house cleaning burden is affecting my mental stability. I’m not joking. While I was waiting on Kate’s ballet class to be over today, one of the other mothers and I were talking, but I do not have a clue what she was saying. All I could think about was, “I wonder if her base boards are clean?” I have got to get control of myself!

I can now understand why Martha Stewart could not remember the conversation with her stockbroker. I better pull myself together ’cause we all know how that one turned out.

To Labor Or Not?

It is a hot and humid Labor Day her in Georgia. Translation, I am nestled securely in my well air-conditioned home. I do not do the outdoor thing. I do not “mesh” well with bugs, dirt, and sweat. However, Mark seems to thrive on being outside in 95 degree heat and 100% humidity. He is outside right now becoming one with the weed eater.

I can’t seem to figure out the “Labor Day” thing. Should we labor excessively today or do we boycott labor all together? I for one am all for the boycott! There is laundry that I need to do, the windows need to be washed, and the refrigerator needs to be cleaned out, but it’s Labor Day and I think I will just sit this one out.

On a more serious note:
My family and our entire church family is praying for everyone on the gulf coast as they brace for hurricane Gustav.